Letter of Complaint Not everyone likes Edi Phi. Sometimes, we get complaint letters like this one: Dear Ryan, I am writing to express my displeasure with Edi Phi and you. Firstly, the group is not meeting my social needs. No one calls me to do anything except for the weekly events and bi-weekly services and monthly parties. I was expecting more interaction. Second, I tried calling you multiple times last week and you were unavailable for immediate counseling. When I need to talk, I need to talk. Number 3, the group has too many social activities and not enough ministry opportunities. I want to be able to preach my seven week series on dating on Sunday morning starting this week. Let me know if this is possible. Other than that, the group is great. I would appreciate it if you would address my concerns. Sincerely, Louis Zerr ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Zerr, Can I please call you Lou? Thank you for your feedback on the group. As ignorant and misguided as it was, we always like to hear what people think about the job we are doing because the opinions of fringe, flaky attendees carries a lot of weight with us. Your thoughts rank in importance right behind God, the pastors of the church, the staff of the group, the long time members, the people who show up occasionally, the janitor who cleans the room after us, the second cousin of David Blythe and my dog, Buster. I wanted to address each of your complaints in the order you gave them. Before I begin, I wanted to let you know that Ryan is not spelt with an “E”. Easy mistake to make though. Happens all the time. I understand that you probably spent as much time proofreading the letter as you have spent in Edi Phi over the last week. What was your name again? Anyway, your first complaint is that your social needs were not being met by the weekly events, bi-weekly services and monthly parties. I can totally understand this. It would be hard to meet new people when you only go to one event in two months. It is an old adage, but one that bears repeating. If you want a friend, be a friend. And last I checked, showing up at a party, staying 10 minutes then shouting, “you guys are all losers. This is the worst night of my life. I would rather be eating leftovers from Fear Factor” is not the best way to make new friends. If you want to have all your needs met without having anything expected from you, join Welfare. But if you want to feel connected in Edi Phi, you might want to come and not be such a jerk to people. The second item on your list was that I was not available for counseling last week. When you first called at 11am on a Monday, I was at work. I called you an hour later on my lunch break and you said that Oprah was on and you would call back later. I told you I would be at work until 6pm and to call after that. At the end of the day, I saw you had called 13 times. I called you back after work and you said that you were in the middle of passing Half Life and would have to call me back. I told you I go to bed at 10 and to call before then. When I woke up in the morning, I saw that beginning at 2:35, you called every five minutes until 4:30. After talking with you during lunch, I setup an appointment to meet you for dinner which you missed, saying that the baseball game was on. I would like to talk, but you need to prioritize what is most important to you. If a computer game is more important than your soul, then you may have to adjust your priorities. I do want to offer an alternative for you – something open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It is our hotline. You can call it at 1-800-READ-THE-BIBLE. There, you should find all your answers directly from the source. Your last complaint was that the group had too many social activities. Funny, in your first request, you said there were not enough. I understand how easy it is for opinions can change in two minutes. My advice here is to make up your freaking mind and stop harassing me with your mindless dribble. As to speaking, I say you can speak all you want – when you are on Adopt a Block or ushering at the church or setting up the Christmas tree. If you cannot share God’s love in a practical way, you definitely will not be able to share effectively with people by speaking. Despite you not being involved in anything, I will give you a chance to share on February 30th. Mark you calendar, we can’t wait to hear from you. I hope this addresses all of your concerns. If you have any more complaints, you can mail them to our new address: the dumpster next to the Safeway. Sincerely,  Ryan Downing